Never Say Never

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 

and you will know the truth, 

and the truth shall set you free."

       

April 24th

       "What an incredible week. What is it that God wants from me? I came on this trip expecting a cultural experience. Who wouldn't want to come to Rome for Holy week? My life changed completely Wednesday morning. I couldn't believe what had happened and there was nothing I could say to help the situation. He was gone. And I couldn't blame him. There I sat, in St. Peter's Square for the Wednesday morning mass crying on my dear Amalia's shoulder. I promised right then and there to God and myself that I was going to change. I can't chase him...I have to chase after the Lord, in a real, blind, unconditional, and completely willing way. What a scary and exciting thing. 

       

In the following days, I had several discussions with some of the people at the conference. The conversations ranged from what was different about the Protestant and Catholic churches and what church life was like for me. I was surprised that no one tried to, what we call, 'witness,' to me. It was all just heart-felt discussions. No, the spark of interest for the Catholic church was only God given...and it happened without any persuasion or sales pitches. 

I wish I had taken notes on everything. I was too busy thinking and praying and listening and thinking and praying. I guess I'll have to try to write as much down as I can right now so that I don't forget it. 

The Catholic Easter was an overload. So many things I didn't understand, but for some reason, I enjoyed every minute of it. I was taken in by it all, but still sat back cautiously. No need to make any rash decisions right now...but I guess to think about it can't hurt anything. Even with all the beautiful things I was seeing, becoming Catholic still didn't seem like an option...it's just an idea. 

Thursday night/morning, I sat in the oratory with the tabernacle as is tradition the Thursday before Easter. We all took turns throughout the whole night praying and meditating on Jesus' night in the garden. They do this because they don't want Him to be alone...and I didn't want Him to be alone either. I'm not a big kneeling prayer, but I could have stayed in there all night with that box...I didn't want to leave. I don't know why. 

Friday evening's Mass was a long one. And it would have been horrible for me if I wasn't so busy admiring those around me who were so devoted to this service. I get that it's one thing to go to a mass, and another thing to celebrate the Mass. I really felt that that night I was surrounded by a hoard of people who were celebrating the Mass with their whole hearts...and it was extremely uncomfortable. There were times when I just wanted to cry cause my knees were hurting so bad (kneeling and standing, kneeling and standing...especially since my knees were already DESTROYED from climbing the Holy Steps early that day.) We get mad in our church if the churches arent comfortable enough...and we certainly wouldn't stand up for that long or kneel that many times!! No, church is supposed to be comfortable...right? Hmm...

It's not that I think church should be extremely difficult, but where did my desire to give to my Lord go? I know it's not required of me...but it's something i WANT to do to show my devotion. There are still a lot of things I'm learning about. 

The confession for instance. That was one of the main misconceptions about the Catholic church. I talked about it with Dani the other day. I asked her what was the point of the confession? Jesus already died for our sins. We don't have to talk to a priest for our sins to be forgiven. But you see, that's the thing. They don't go to the priest in the confessional to be forgiven...it's more like a concrete way of HEARING you are forgiven. Some may be skeptical...I sure was. But the more I thought about it...it sounded like an AMAZING gift! To be able to tell EVERYTHING to someone, someone who is ordained and used by God directly, to HEAR that I am forgiven. Amalia explained it so beautifully to me. She said (in Italian of course), "You know when you erase the chalk off a chalkboard? What was there is gone. You can't see it. But, there is still this white film that's on there. It won't all come off. What the confession does is it takes that chalkboard and sprays it down and wipes it completely clean so you can start completely over." 

How much sense does that make! What a beautiful thing! It is so hard for me, even though I know I'm forgiven for what I've done, to forgive myself and move on. 

But this is not a thing I want to become a "religion." A way to "get back" to God. I can't earn his love - it was freely given to me. It's not like I think that one HAS to be Catholic in order to glorify God and be close to Him...but there are parts of it that I really want! I still have a lot to learn about before I even begin to get close to a real decision. But after what I've seen in this week, it's hard for me to just brush it off and say "Oh no. Thanks. That's not for me." 

I met my new hero, Don Armando. Poor guy had to talk to me when my tears were flowing at full throttle. After the entire week of experiencing God's amazing love and grace for me, but still struggling with all my regret. Amalia convinced me to talk to our priest of the week. The great Don Armando. Didn't know what to expect when I sat down in that little sitting room. I didn't even know what to say...so I just started telling it all. He helped me realize that there was only one thing that the Lord wanted from me - to cling to Him. To draw myself closer to Him. He said to me that God was going to tell me to do something. He said, "Will you say 'Yes'" For the first time in a long time I sat there and really thought about it. Why hadn't I been MORE willing to say "yes" to Him? I had been saying "Yes" only when it is was convenient, fun, or comfortable for me. 

I decided right then and there whatever He did ask me, I would say, "yes." Don Armando asked me, "Even if it means becoming Catholic." Yes. Even if it means becoming Catholic.

What is it that God wants from me? Just tell me!! I'll do it! I'll say yes to whatever it is that you say. This week has certainly been a life changing experience. I have a lot to learn. I have a long road ahead of me. Like Don Armando told me, I'm like Paul on the road to Demascus. I've been blinded by all this light. I'm not sure what that is going to mean in the next few days, but I'm really excited to see what is going to come my way."