"I'm on my knees only memories are left for me to hold. 

Don't know how, but I'll get by. Slowly pull myself together. 

I'll get through this.

There's no escape so keep me safe. 

This feels so unreal. 

Nothing comes easily. Fill this empty space. 

Nothing is like it seems. Turn my grief to grace...

Nothing comes easily. Where do I begin? 

Nothing can bring me peace. I've lost everything. 

I just want to feel your embrace."

April 30th

            

       "He doesn't take what I'm saying seriously. How can I blame him? After all this, it's hard for me to take MYSELF seriously. I spent a while in the chapel last night crying, begging God to make this change real. To really make me new. I have been brought down so far by the philosophy that as long as I believed it was OK, everything was alright.

I'm done not respecting myself enough to expect more from myself.

The fact is that this change within me has got to be real. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I desperately need God to take control of my life. I have...No, He has thrown away my past. Now I have the chance to start again. Now I have yet another chance to become the woman I want to be. I never wanted to be this girl - I just didn't do anything to prevent it from happening.

So, all I can do is move forward towards Him and allow Him to take me where He wants to go. I am afraid, but I am not running scared. I know that He has a huge plan for me. All I want is to glorify Him and show others His love. My heart has been changed. 

I have to trust that I haven't ruined my life or His plan. Haha. What am I saying?? I'm capable of a LOT of damage, but I'm not sure I'm capable of that. In fact, I know that God is much bigger than me or my sins. And for that, I am eternally grateful."