Just wanted to let you know, that Jamieinpalermo.blogspot.com is over.
My newest blog is http://jamieinatlanta.blogspot.com/
I've had quite the adventure here in Atlanta thus far, and I plan on writing about it as regularly as I can...the life of a student/pizza waitress/girlfriend is quite demanding so forgive me for not posting for a while now. But, I'm getting back into it. I hope you enjoy it more than you did my feeble Palermo blog - I'm trying to become a great writer. You can help by reading my new blog and telling me what you think. Thanks so much for reading!!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Gotta Get Up
There's a reason for the saying, "Gotta get back up on the horse." For obvious reasons, I know first hand what this saying really means...but every so often I forget. Tonight, however, I came face to face with this truth once again...and it had more meaning than ever before.
When I was a beginner, I used to hate my trainer when she would make me get back on my devilishly flighty pony, Tuff Stuff. That pony used to launch me into the air to clear the obstacles without him multiple times in one lesson...but Ms. Mardi would make me get back on. It didn't matter how terrified I was or how much I cried, she'd make me get back on and do it again...and again...and again.
After years of this cruel and unusual punishment, I grew a pair and began to stop allowing that nasty pony to scare me. Oh, he still succeeded at throwing my butt on the ground; but I began to learn to get mad, get up, and do it again. My parents always laugh when they tell the stories of when my feet wouldn't even hit the dirt before I would go after that pony swinging. I had confidence. I was tough.
Then I grew physical strength and quit falling off AS much. Just as soon as my head would get almost too big for me to hold it upright, that's when my horses would humble me...humility has a bitter taste. It's gritty. It's dry. It's in your face. Wait...was that humility? Or the arena dirt that was stuck in my teeth?
When I rode with Denna, I started getting really really good at riding and jumping. Falling off hurt even more than it did when I was a scared 8 year old! She used to yell at me for being such a drama queen. Poke fun and ask me if she needed to call the "waaaaaaambulance." Oh, I miss her sense of humor. ha. ha. ha.
The problem with falling off when you get better at this sport, is that you begin to learn that 9 times of out 10, it's YOUR fault and not the horses fault. So goes life, no? This was my experience tonight. After being out of the saddle for 6 months, I've lost a bit of my confidence...and physical strength. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been taking it really REALLY slow with the jumping. I've been using the excuse, "I'm trying to build up my muscles before I get back into it." The truth is I was being a bit of a chicken. But tonight I said, "No. I'm going to jump. I can do this."
Fear on the back of the horse is not something I am very familiar. Once you've been tossed around for a good couple years, your screws become loose and you lose a lot, if not all, of that fear. But, like I said, being out of practice brought that fear right back into me. My mom went with me tonight, and I told her that I was scared and if I fell off she has to make me get back on. 20 minutes later, I'm heading toward a medium sized fence that wouldn't have impressed me a year ago, but tonight it looked 5 feet tall. I dropped my shoulder and Tuscany just wasn't having it...she took off and as I was yelling "Coming off! Coming off!" I tasted that wonderful taste of humility...and it HURT.
I let the stupidest thing slip out of my mouth. "I can't do it anymore. I don't have it." I was so angry because I KNEW that it was my fault. It could have been easily prevented. Hindsight is always 20/20. My mom made sure I was ok, left me laying in my sorrows to go get Tuscany. As I laid there trying to catch my breath, I thought back to those times where I had the drive to get up so quick, no one would even hear me hit the ground. I thought about those times when Denna would poke fun at my dramatic spills. And I would like to say that it was her voice that made me get up tonight...but she wasn't there. It was just me. Laying on the ground. With my injured pride and rear end.
I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, stood up, brushed myself off, and slowly walked over to my horse. Mom held her as I hopped back on. I had to do it. You always have to get back up on the horse. I jumped that fence until I wasn't scared anymore. The pain didn't even phase me. I had to swallow my fear and just do it. I do not handle failure well. And I am not a quiter.
As I was cooling her out, I was brought face to face with the fact that I have reached the point in my life that that sort of attitude is absolutely essential if I want to be the person I want to be and do the things that I want to do. This year has been a whirlwind of growth and change in my life...most of it was spent living a fairy tale life in Italy. And now that I'm back to reality, life is putting those changes and improvements to the test. It's hard to not get discouraged when I fail, but there's no one stopping me from getting back up but myself.
I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to mess up. And it sucks even harder when I look back and know exactly what I did wrong. But I cannot sit in my pity party. I cannot give up. I cannot be held back by the fear of failure. How else am I going to get any better? How can I be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better student, a better follower of Christ, a better me if I don't learn from my mistakes and go back and try again? Mistakes are painfully inevitable. However, if I'm not going to let a 1200 lb animal defeat me after she launches me into the dirt, I am definitely not going to let my silly little 21 yr old self defeat me.
There's a time and place for everything...but after a while, guilt is so overrated, regret is useless, and self-pity is harmful. And there should come a point where you are the only person, with the help and guidance of the Lord, to get yourself out of the dirt, brush yourself off, and get back on the horse. Friends are great. Parents too. But they're not always going to be around to help pull you up.
Growing up is hard. Nobody ever said it was easy. I'm so thankful for this bruised hip, sand-burned arm, and bloody elbow tonight. I needed to remember what that feels like. I needed to be reminded that I can learn from my mistakes, pay attention to what's going on, and get the job done.
When I was a beginner, I used to hate my trainer when she would make me get back on my devilishly flighty pony, Tuff Stuff. That pony used to launch me into the air to clear the obstacles without him multiple times in one lesson...but Ms. Mardi would make me get back on. It didn't matter how terrified I was or how much I cried, she'd make me get back on and do it again...and again...and again.
After years of this cruel and unusual punishment, I grew a pair and began to stop allowing that nasty pony to scare me. Oh, he still succeeded at throwing my butt on the ground; but I began to learn to get mad, get up, and do it again. My parents always laugh when they tell the stories of when my feet wouldn't even hit the dirt before I would go after that pony swinging. I had confidence. I was tough.
Then I grew physical strength and quit falling off AS much. Just as soon as my head would get almost too big for me to hold it upright, that's when my horses would humble me...humility has a bitter taste. It's gritty. It's dry. It's in your face. Wait...was that humility? Or the arena dirt that was stuck in my teeth?
When I rode with Denna, I started getting really really good at riding and jumping. Falling off hurt even more than it did when I was a scared 8 year old! She used to yell at me for being such a drama queen. Poke fun and ask me if she needed to call the "waaaaaaambulance." Oh, I miss her sense of humor. ha. ha. ha.
The problem with falling off when you get better at this sport, is that you begin to learn that 9 times of out 10, it's YOUR fault and not the horses fault. So goes life, no? This was my experience tonight. After being out of the saddle for 6 months, I've lost a bit of my confidence...and physical strength. So, for the past couple weeks, I've been taking it really REALLY slow with the jumping. I've been using the excuse, "I'm trying to build up my muscles before I get back into it." The truth is I was being a bit of a chicken. But tonight I said, "No. I'm going to jump. I can do this."
Fear on the back of the horse is not something I am very familiar. Once you've been tossed around for a good couple years, your screws become loose and you lose a lot, if not all, of that fear. But, like I said, being out of practice brought that fear right back into me. My mom went with me tonight, and I told her that I was scared and if I fell off she has to make me get back on. 20 minutes later, I'm heading toward a medium sized fence that wouldn't have impressed me a year ago, but tonight it looked 5 feet tall. I dropped my shoulder and Tuscany just wasn't having it...she took off and as I was yelling "Coming off! Coming off!" I tasted that wonderful taste of humility...and it HURT.
I let the stupidest thing slip out of my mouth. "I can't do it anymore. I don't have it." I was so angry because I KNEW that it was my fault. It could have been easily prevented. Hindsight is always 20/20. My mom made sure I was ok, left me laying in my sorrows to go get Tuscany. As I laid there trying to catch my breath, I thought back to those times where I had the drive to get up so quick, no one would even hear me hit the ground. I thought about those times when Denna would poke fun at my dramatic spills. And I would like to say that it was her voice that made me get up tonight...but she wasn't there. It was just me. Laying on the ground. With my injured pride and rear end.
I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, stood up, brushed myself off, and slowly walked over to my horse. Mom held her as I hopped back on. I had to do it. You always have to get back up on the horse. I jumped that fence until I wasn't scared anymore. The pain didn't even phase me. I had to swallow my fear and just do it. I do not handle failure well. And I am not a quiter.
As I was cooling her out, I was brought face to face with the fact that I have reached the point in my life that that sort of attitude is absolutely essential if I want to be the person I want to be and do the things that I want to do. This year has been a whirlwind of growth and change in my life...most of it was spent living a fairy tale life in Italy. And now that I'm back to reality, life is putting those changes and improvements to the test. It's hard to not get discouraged when I fail, but there's no one stopping me from getting back up but myself.
I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to mess up. And it sucks even harder when I look back and know exactly what I did wrong. But I cannot sit in my pity party. I cannot give up. I cannot be held back by the fear of failure. How else am I going to get any better? How can I be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better girlfriend, a better student, a better follower of Christ, a better me if I don't learn from my mistakes and go back and try again? Mistakes are painfully inevitable. However, if I'm not going to let a 1200 lb animal defeat me after she launches me into the dirt, I am definitely not going to let my silly little 21 yr old self defeat me.
There's a time and place for everything...but after a while, guilt is so overrated, regret is useless, and self-pity is harmful. And there should come a point where you are the only person, with the help and guidance of the Lord, to get yourself out of the dirt, brush yourself off, and get back on the horse. Friends are great. Parents too. But they're not always going to be around to help pull you up.
Growing up is hard. Nobody ever said it was easy. I'm so thankful for this bruised hip, sand-burned arm, and bloody elbow tonight. I needed to remember what that feels like. I needed to be reminded that I can learn from my mistakes, pay attention to what's going on, and get the job done.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The Love of My Life
I haven't had 2 seconds to sit down and write a post before now since I've been home. Seeing everyone and going on vacation have been great, but I am very happy to have some time to sit and write...
The only thing that is on my mind today is the fact that in 2 hours, I will see the only boy who has never let me down, never turned his back on me, and never ever taken his love and affection from me.
Now you are about to read a post from a crazy girl who is in love with her horse.
It's hard to understand the bond between a girl and her horse when you've never experienced it before. It's something that's almost explainable - because usually when I try to explain it, I usually end up sounding...well, crazy.
But the truth is I have a companion that understands me on levels that no other human can. And, for those who watched me and JD progress over the years, they understand what a strong bond we have.
Our family bought JD for my dad. Just a trail horse. Nothing special. He was Indiana State Champion barrel racer when he was 3 yrs old, but when his owner moved to Georgia and started having children, JD was let out in the field to graze for 4 years. Needless to say, he was a little out of shape and only knew how to run around barrels as fast as his legs could carry him. But he was sweet, and as soon as my Momma saw his eyes, we knew that he had to come home with us.
After a tragic accident, we lost our horse that I was riding at the time and was left without a horse to take to lessons. Once I was ready to get back to riding, I was watching JD out in the field one day. There was a tiny jump set up in the arena, and my ambitious and slightly stupid 13 yr. old self had a little burst of inspiration. I walked right out into the arena where he was grazing, and with nothing but a halter and lead rope, hopped on top of him (no helmet, no nothing) and started walking him around. I saw the little jump, and the curiosity of what would happen if I were to jump it was just too much to bare. He lept over the 18-inch crossrail like it was a 6 foot oxer, and that day I just knew I had a diamond in the rough...
But, he was more like a diamond-in-the-roughest-of-the-rough. I can't tell you how many people told me he would never be worth anything. He was uneducated and stubborn, but I was convinced that I would make him into something. I saw the potential that the others couldn't. We had an instant bond...and I loved him even after those days when I wanted to beat him over the head with a shovel.
The thing about JD is he is just like me. If you push to hard and don't give him the space or respect to learn it on his own, he freaks out and loses concentration. He too is a bit of a drama queen.
But through countless judges pinning us last time after time after time. After feeling like I was never going to find our "nitch." I went to Florida to work with Denna...and she quickly shoved me into the jumper ring. Literally - my first day of work was a horse show...and she put me in all the jumper classes. I had always been afraid of the speed...but JD quickly showed me that this was the place we were supposed to be. We both found our "nitch." (by the way that's a photo from our first jumper show - we won every class)
We then became the "underdogs" in the jumper ring. I will never forget the look on the mans face when we came out of the ring 5 minutes after he called my horse a piece of s***...We beat him and his $50,000 warmblood by 6 seconds in the jump-off...P.O.S. my butt.
From then, it's history. You know, in the 8 years I've owned and trained that horse, I have only fallen off of him 3 times? And EVERY TIME I came off was because he tripped or slipped...he's also a bit of a cluts. I can read his every move - I know what he is going to do 5 seconds before he does it. He knows when I'm upset and when I'm unsure. He will jump anything as long as I keep my eyes up...Seriously. If I look down at an 18-inch crossrail, he won't jump it...I guess he figures if I'm freaking out about it, he's gotta freak out about it. Needless to say, JD taught me how to not drop my eye...
But he taught me a lot more than that. Along with perseverance, patience, toughness, and all that...he's taught me a lot about love. And he's given me a knowledge of passion and true happiness. That moment of silence when we're flying flawlessly over an obstacle that's almost as tall as I am is like none other.
But above all else, he has taught me about trust. It's quite and extraordinary thing I think when you trust your life to a 1200 lb. animal, and in turn he trusts you with his...we could easily hurt or kill each other...but because of a bond that goes far beyond verbal communication, we thrive.
It's been a long hard journey, and we have both grown up together. It might sound mushy or crazy to you, but that horse will grow old with me, and I hope to be next to him the day he leaves this earth. The bond between a girl and her horse is not easily understood or explained, but it is the most beautiful bond I have ever experienced.
The only thing that is on my mind today is the fact that in 2 hours, I will see the only boy who has never let me down, never turned his back on me, and never ever taken his love and affection from me.
Now you are about to read a post from a crazy girl who is in love with her horse.
It's hard to understand the bond between a girl and her horse when you've never experienced it before. It's something that's almost explainable - because usually when I try to explain it, I usually end up sounding...well, crazy.
After a tragic accident, we lost our horse that I was riding at the time and was left without a horse to take to lessons. Once I was ready to get back to riding, I was watching JD out in the field one day. There was a tiny jump set up in the arena, and my ambitious and slightly stupid 13 yr. old self had a little burst of inspiration. I walked right out into the arena where he was grazing, and with nothing but a halter and lead rope, hopped on top of him (no helmet, no nothing) and started walking him around. I saw the little jump, and the curiosity of what would happen if I were to jump it was just too much to bare. He lept over the 18-inch crossrail like it was a 6 foot oxer, and that day I just knew I had a diamond in the rough...
The thing about JD is he is just like me. If you push to hard and don't give him the space or respect to learn it on his own, he freaks out and loses concentration. He too is a bit of a drama queen.
We then became the "underdogs" in the jumper ring. I will never forget the look on the mans face when we came out of the ring 5 minutes after he called my horse a piece of s***...We beat him and his $50,000 warmblood by 6 seconds in the jump-off...P.O.S. my butt.
From then, it's history. You know, in the 8 years I've owned and trained that horse, I have only fallen off of him 3 times? And EVERY TIME I came off was because he tripped or slipped...he's also a bit of a cluts. I can read his every move - I know what he is going to do 5 seconds before he does it. He knows when I'm upset and when I'm unsure. He will jump anything as long as I keep my eyes up...Seriously. If I look down at an 18-inch crossrail, he won't jump it...I guess he figures if I'm freaking out about it, he's gotta freak out about it. Needless to say, JD taught me how to not drop my eye...
But he taught me a lot more than that. Along with perseverance, patience, toughness, and all that...he's taught me a lot about love. And he's given me a knowledge of passion and true happiness. That moment of silence when we're flying flawlessly over an obstacle that's almost as tall as I am is like none other.
But above all else, he has taught me about trust. It's quite and extraordinary thing I think when you trust your life to a 1200 lb. animal, and in turn he trusts you with his...we could easily hurt or kill each other...but because of a bond that goes far beyond verbal communication, we thrive.
It's been a long hard journey, and we have both grown up together. It might sound mushy or crazy to you, but that horse will grow old with me, and I hope to be next to him the day he leaves this earth. The bond between a girl and her horse is not easily understood or explained, but it is the most beautiful bond I have ever experienced.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I have been going a million miles an hour this week, I've barely had time to stop and realize what is actually happening. Meno male because I don't think I'd be able to contain myself!
It's a weird place where I'm at right now...I am really excited to get back to my life in the states : to see my family, snuggle with my Harlee on the couch, drink a big glass of sweet tea, and drive my car. But, what my linguistic confusion has helped me realize is that...I've become Italian. I have become habituated to life and culture here in Sicily...how weird it's going to be to re-enter into my Georgian culture.
It's something you can't understand until you've lived in another place for an extended period of time. Dr. Pynn warned me about it before I left...but I had no idea the gravity of these "re-entry blues." And it's only just beginning. I already feel kind of disheveled. Saying goodbye to people that I've seen everyday for the past 9 months...not knowing if I'm ever going to see them again. How does one do that? How does one comprehend the gravity of that sort of encounter??
So, that's why this time is really strange for me. I'm torn between two worlds...I have two futures ahead of me. Two completely different options. How amazing it is to have a future so open to me! I can literally choose at this point to do whatever I want...and I think I've made my decision of where I want to TRY to go...but, man plans and God laughs, so we'll see about it.
But, I am in love. I am punch-drunk in love. I'll be back...I have to come back. Who wants to come with me??
It's a weird place where I'm at right now...I am really excited to get back to my life in the states : to see my family, snuggle with my Harlee on the couch, drink a big glass of sweet tea, and drive my car. But, what my linguistic confusion has helped me realize is that...I've become Italian. I have become habituated to life and culture here in Sicily...how weird it's going to be to re-enter into my Georgian culture.
It's something you can't understand until you've lived in another place for an extended period of time. Dr. Pynn warned me about it before I left...but I had no idea the gravity of these "re-entry blues." And it's only just beginning. I already feel kind of disheveled. Saying goodbye to people that I've seen everyday for the past 9 months...not knowing if I'm ever going to see them again. How does one do that? How does one comprehend the gravity of that sort of encounter??
So, that's why this time is really strange for me. I'm torn between two worlds...I have two futures ahead of me. Two completely different options. How amazing it is to have a future so open to me! I can literally choose at this point to do whatever I want...and I think I've made my decision of where I want to TRY to go...but, man plans and God laughs, so we'll see about it.
But, I am in love. I am punch-drunk in love. I'll be back...I have to come back. Who wants to come with me??
Monday, July 4, 2011
There's a happiness inside of me that will not go away. It wasn't 3 months ago that I looked in the mirror and couldn't recognize the girl staring back at me. Now, when I look at myself, I've been changed from the inside out, but I know that this is the girl I was supposed to be from the beginning.
I have discovered myself. I have discovered the Real Jamie...and I cannot WAIT for everyone back at home to get to know this girl. I cannot wait to share with everyone the joy and the love that I have found with every person I meet. Seriously, I'm bursting from the inside out.
It's a joy that is constant. It never fades and it never leaves. Even in times when I'm sad, or frustrated, or upset, that joy is still inside of me, holding me up. Nothing can touch me, and nothing can tear me down.
And it's not because I've figured it all out. I've had some amazing revelations for my life and God has been teaching me an insane amount of stuff in this year...but I still don't have all the answers. But, that's kind of where my joy comes from. I know that what God has showed me was all because it was what He wanted me to see.
What a difference I feel in my heart. I feel everyday as if my heart will explode with love for my friends, my family, and most of all, my Lord and Savior. The thing that astounds me is how REAL it is to me. This is not pretend, or something I've put on for show. This is a TRUE transformation that is taking place...and will continue to take place until the day I die.
What an amazing adventure this has been...I'm absolutely overcome with humility because absolutely NONE of this has been of my own accord. All I said was "yes" to allowing God to have control over my life and my heart...and it's been growing ever since. Not because of ME. I'm kind of a crappy person at the base of it all...but because of who HE is...I have been made new, and have come face to face with the reality that...
He loves me. Period.
He loves me because I am His daughter - and that's how He wanted it all along. How can I not feel anything but thankful for all that He has done? How can I not praise him with every cell in my body? How can I be silent?
I have no more words.
So here's a little something to show you just one way we let some of that happiness out into the world...check this out. And laugh.
I have discovered myself. I have discovered the Real Jamie...and I cannot WAIT for everyone back at home to get to know this girl. I cannot wait to share with everyone the joy and the love that I have found with every person I meet. Seriously, I'm bursting from the inside out.
It's a joy that is constant. It never fades and it never leaves. Even in times when I'm sad, or frustrated, or upset, that joy is still inside of me, holding me up. Nothing can touch me, and nothing can tear me down.
And it's not because I've figured it all out. I've had some amazing revelations for my life and God has been teaching me an insane amount of stuff in this year...but I still don't have all the answers. But, that's kind of where my joy comes from. I know that what God has showed me was all because it was what He wanted me to see.
What a difference I feel in my heart. I feel everyday as if my heart will explode with love for my friends, my family, and most of all, my Lord and Savior. The thing that astounds me is how REAL it is to me. This is not pretend, or something I've put on for show. This is a TRUE transformation that is taking place...and will continue to take place until the day I die.
What an amazing adventure this has been...I'm absolutely overcome with humility because absolutely NONE of this has been of my own accord. All I said was "yes" to allowing God to have control over my life and my heart...and it's been growing ever since. Not because of ME. I'm kind of a crappy person at the base of it all...but because of who HE is...I have been made new, and have come face to face with the reality that...
He loves me. Period.
He loves me because I am His daughter - and that's how He wanted it all along. How can I not feel anything but thankful for all that He has done? How can I not praise him with every cell in my body? How can I be silent?
I have no more words.
So here's a little something to show you just one way we let some of that happiness out into the world...check this out. And laugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)